First, I thought it was just a big joke. I thought we’re just gonna be a simple friends but I’m wrong. I can’t say that its a mistake or a sin. We both didn’t know its going to happen. I don’t assume, I don’t expect. I just go with his flow. Playing his game carefully. Pretending that there’s nothing wrong. We’re just stay casual,stay cool or let’s say we’re trying to act like we’re just friends even though everybody knows that there’s something between us. I always ignore their opinion and believe that there’s nothing “something” with us. I have lots of friends asking me, if he’s my suitor or boyfriend then I honestly says “NO!”. Cause that’s the truth. My friends always asking him if he’s courting me or what. And I answered “NO!”. When every time I looked at him after that question,he’s just smiling or laughing. So I confirmed that there’s nothing “something” between us. I’m just enjoying his company. I let my self to give my trust. I mean it’s not my nature to be closed to someone else as easy as that,specially to boys. Hanging out with him every time we’re vacant. Doing some things that unfamiliar or let’s say not my hobbies. Like before,when I have my vacant period I’m just hanging out in my dormitory alone or going to my friends apartment just to watch television or surfing in internet. That’s my daily routine before I met him. But everything was changed when I met him. Everytime I have my vacant period he’s always asking me where am I? Then after a minute his there asking me to go out just to have “chikahan or kulitan”. At first, I wonder what he’s doing? His wasting his time for me just to hear my nonsense words. So I let him. They said we’re in the stage of “getting to know each other”. BLAH!BLAH!BLAH! But I don’t believe. Actually it’s my first time to hangout with my guy friend alone. Most of the time I hangout with guys in a group of friends. Not like this. I’m not that comfortable,while talking with him there’s lot of question in my mind. Like “Maybe..he’s just really friendly? Maybe its his nature spending his free time with his friends.” and many more. But why always just the two of us? Where’s his other friends? His “barkada’s or classmates”? No drinking session? No gimmick? But still I don’t mind it. IGNORE!
The one day, I found myself hanging out with him,automatically. Spending my free time with him became my daily routine. It’s just like I have an older brother always checking me where am I,what am I doing or whatsoever! Our friendship getting deeper in a short time. He tell his secrets,his story, love life,family or friends. Vice versa but he open his life to me a lot. Lots of personality that I didn’t expect from him but he shown. Sometimes I tried to ignore him, I don’t text him, I don’t say where am I or what am I doing. And I saw his efforts. I appreciate it a lot but I didn’t tell him. I don’t thank him for those things he had done. Because I still want to be casual like other friends. I saw his extra efforts just to spent his free time with me even though his busy and that’s funny cause I want to ask him what is he doing? Because we both don’t have any obligations to do those kinds of things.
Then my dorm mate asked him if he likes me. Then he said “Yes! I like her” in front of me. I was so shocked and I don’t know what to do. He’s just laughing at me. And I acted normal like nothings happened. Back to our daily routines but we never talk about our feelings. I’m always trying to avoid that topic cause I don’t know what to say. And I’m expecting that we’re just flirting then one day he’ll go and act like nothings happened. But I’m wrong he prove it to me that he is serious and not like the other boys that I met before. He introduce to me to his parents and that is so awkward. That was my first time. Even in my ex boyfriend I don’t have any guts to face her mother or father. I always have an alibi just to escape those occasions or invitations. I know that’s weird. When I met his parents I felt so cold and so nervous. I can’t act normal but I need too. I watched my words. And I saw him laughing at me cause he knows that I’m not comfortable. He says “that’s okay their kind,they don’t eat you.” Kinda funny but he’s right.
After that scenario,things getting better. I started to be comfortable and I trusted him. There’s a times when he got jealous and he looks so cute. :) Our college night was so memorable, we both know that we watch the program together but there’s boy that have a guts to be with us. Even me don’t know that he’ll come and watch the program with us. Wrong timing cause were arguing when the boy came. I’m so shocked and I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to introduce them to each other. So I start talking with him asking where’s his friend but he ignored me maybe he didn’t hear cause of the loud sound system so I ignore him too. I don’t talk to him. Till he decided to walked out. I feel so guilty. But I’m bit clueless. Then next week came. After a long conversation in text he decided that we need to talk tomorrow lunch. So we ate lunch together then talk a few bout the issue but not that clear. After our class we hanged out together to clear the issue. And yes! He’s right and I’m right. So its clear.
And days goes by.. He asked my permission to court me and I let him. Days pass easily and were getting sweeter and sweeter. :) But one night I found out that we need to stop. I need to stop. So we talked about it. I thought its our last. I thought its our goodbyes. But nope. Cause I’m waiting till now. Its kinda stupid I know but I can’t ignore my feelings. I love him. But he love her and he loves me. I know its not right. I want to give up but he says we need to take the risk. Just wait and he’ll fix things. It’s unfair and he’s so selfish but I let him. One day I said to him “we need to stop. Fix things first. Don’t be selfish and unfair.” but he don’t want. He want me to stay. He want me to wait for him. He want me because he loves me. that’s what he said. So how do I move forward if he don’t want me to go? I asked him that we still be friends but he don’t want. I know its kinda selfish and immature but I don’t understand my self why I can’t let him go or just ignore him. Why my love is too strength and makes me keep going. :| So weird! gggrrrrhh… Till now I’m still clueless. I can’t! I KNOW I’M STUPID! :(
